Turtle Island Nomad

2011-12-31T16:09:00.000-08:00

2012

... The New Year ...

We are leaving behind the past and bringing foreward the good things we have learned and the good feelings we have experienced. Many good ceremonies have brought me to this place, this cusp of the New Year.

Birthing into the New Year.... birthing into the New Life.

EMPOWERING

OVERPOWERING

PAINFUL

ESCTATIC

OVERWHELMING

The only way to survive the change is surrender.

May the amniotic fluids of The Mother ... the salt water of The Mother ... birth us into this new year and new life.

I had hoped to have a quiet night at home to pray and relax. However, I was just called (this minute ... this very minute) in to work tonight. So this will be my new year. A small part of me is angry ... the small part of me wanted very much to have this quiet time. It seems this is to be a night of karma yoga.

*****

So ... this is my birth experience ... this is what i need to 'let go into' now.

******

May this night, be a night of service.

*****

I am remembering, when i used to teach childbirth classes an important teaching point was the surrendering to the moment and recognizing that EVEN THIS is the perfect unfolding.

*****

Lila Waste'

2011-10-14T14:40:00.000-07:00

LIVING IN A CIRCLE vs GOING IN CIRCLES

Choosing to walk the spiritual life is a path wherein we are not able to let ourselves OFF THE HOOK ever again. We can no longer be victims of others or our own urges. This word victim must be erased from our vocabulary. Nothing is 'done' to us. Life IS. On the surface it may not appear to be gentle. Indeed on the surface it is not gentle. However, these not gentle occurances are not to hurt us so much as to crack open the seeds of THANK YOU buried deep inside of each of us. This 'thank you' includes inherent in it's nature a deep visceral desire to give back to life.

Like the seed breaking through the soil to reach for the sky and become ........ a flower, a tree or a blade of grass ....... this seeking of the full life leads us to push aside what is in the way of this growth and inexorably we move to the light.

As we mature, the rules change and we become accountable for everything we SAY.... everything we THINK.... and everthing we DO. There comes a time when the unconscious pushing of personal agenda ceases to be a priority. There comes a time when continued pushing of personal agenda leads us into the dark and not the light we deeply crave. The flower when she has reached maturity gives her beauty and sweet scent to all, with-holding from none! The tree when he is mature offers shade and and drops his leaves as mulch for future growth! The grass when mature offers a soft bed to lay upon! No one and no thing is denied the gifts we are given to share if we have allowed ourselves to grow in a good way.

At some point, we two-leggeds get to choose if we will continue to move towards the light, which in maturity includes sharing the gifts we have been given ... or continue to seek only for the small self, which though appropriate at first ultimately turns us in on ourselves and moves us into deeper and deeper dark.

**********

Will we live in a Circle wherein as we take we also give freely? Or will we spin out of control seeking to draw into ourselves like the tornado or hurricane, destroying that which we draw in, so we can not fully use the gifts which life brings?

**********

2011-04-21T14:57:00.000-07:00

Frog Soup

We all know the story of how to make frog soup. You put the frog in a pot of cool water. Turn the heat on low. It warms so slowly the little frog is not worried at all. By the time frog starts becoming very hot the frog has been lulled and made drowsy by slowly increasing warmth. He does not have the strength to fight and jump out of the pot. He would have easily jumped out when the water was cool ... but he thought it was a great little pond. HE IGNORED THE WARNING SIGNS... perhaps he even made excuses for the changes so he could enjoy the warm water just a little longer.

*******

We are those frogs. We are ignoring the warning signs even as they become blaringly obvious. Earthquakes are growing stronger. Hurricanes are growing ever more deadly. Tornados are coming thru in greater frequency. Tsunami is becoming an everyday word related to frequency of occurance. We have gravely injured the Mother and her body is convulsing.

*******

For your consideration here, a few of the two-legged produced disasters contributing to the injury of Mother Earth:

*******

Oxygen levels have been slowly dropping over the centuries as we turn The Mother Earth into a parking lot destroying the living plants who are her lungs. The O2 is dropping slowly and we do not notice. The water of our pond grows warm.

********

Earth's blood, the waters of the Earth grow more polluted daily. A few years ago you would have laughed if someone had suggested you would be buying water by the bottle to have it pure. The pollution is rising and some are just starting to notice. The water of our pond grows warmer.

*******

We used to produce only living plants to feed ourselves and our little brothers and sisters who share the earth with us. These plants would produce new plants when their seeds were nutured by the mother in the fecund earth. Now many of the plants we grow have been genetically modified so they are no longer capable of producing life. This is because these modified seeds are a parody of life. It looks like food. It may taste like food. But it lacks the life force given to us by The Mother to reproduce itself. We are slowly getting used to these pretend foods. The water is becoming quite hot and many still do not notice.

*******

The Mother though gravely injured will survive and ultimately over millenia heal. It remains to be seen if the two-leggeds who think they are human beings will be alive to see that day. It may be too late for us to survive. However, you may want to consider pulling yourself out of the lethargy induced by the ease and comfort this lifestyle has produced. You may want to consider making a stand for change ... consider getting out of the soup. It will not be easy, the changes needed are huge. It may be too little and too late ... but maybe not. Add prayer to the mix and all things can change.

*******

2011-02-08T08:29:00.000-08:00

CONNECTION

Is it possible, that perhaps one of the causes of fear stems from loosing touch with our CONNECTION to all of life? We innately know we are 'supposed' to be connected . We innately know were are all related. We may not know these things consciously however on some level we feel that need for connection. Then, when we can not touch that place, we are more apt to feel fear and concurrent anxiety related to knowing something is missing even if we can not put a finger on exactly what it is that is missing...

***

Seeing the Self as seperate from the Whole

creates isolation.

***

Isolation creates fear and anxiety.

***

When prayers are focused on needs other than those of self ... when at least we see the needs of others as just as important as the needs of the self (the topic of ... need vs want ... is something to also look at sometime in the future) fear tends to diminish. Taking the focus (perhaps obsession) off of self is a good thing. The Buddhist have a form of prayer called Lojong Tonglen or taking and recieving which lends itself to expanding the prayer beyond the needs of self. http://www.lojongmindtraining.com/

Certainly there are times when it is appropriate to pray for self, however, it is not uncommon for our prayers for self to not take into consideration the effect our prayers will have on others. The indiginous peoples of Turtle Island remind us to take seven generations into consideration when we pray. Our prayers for others and for self must take into consideration the effect we have on all Creation.

Recently my family said prayers that a relative might recieve a liver transplant so that he could live. One of the things the family had to look at before sending these prayers out was the consideration that in order for our family member to recieve a liver transplant someone would be loosing their life so that a liver would be available. The wording of the prayer needed to be very specific so that no harm was brought to anyone. The prayer had to not end the life of someone so that our relative could have a liver. The prayer was made for a liver to come from one who was leaving this earth life for his / her own reasons and then the liver would then be available and matching. A liver did come to our relative and his recovery was many weeks faster than is common. The doctors were astounded at how his body accepted the liver and recovered from the surgery.

***

Who sees all beings in his own Self

and his own Self in all beings

loses all fear

... from the Isha Upanishad

***

2011-02-03T10:01:00.000-08:00

KAI and RAJA

What do you think goes on in the mind of a human baby? What do you think goes on in the mind of a member of the cat nation? I would expect Raja (the cat) to want nothing to do with (the little human boy of 10 months of age) Kai. I would expect the little boy Kai to pull Raja's fur. However that is just not the case. The cat actually seeks Kai out. The cat will call to Kai to get his attention. Kai did not need major teaching to understand the importance of being gentle with this old gramma cat (Yes, Raja though a typically male name is a female cat. You need to ask Starr about the naming process here).

Kai's mom, Starr was one who has always been comfortable with life. I remember taking her to an ashram when she was about 5 or 6 years old. In a quiet side garden there was a coy pond. She became quiet looking at the coy. she put her little hand in the water making an upturned cup with her hand and fingers under the water. numerous little fish swam into her hand and just sat quietly. The fish were not nibbling at her fingers. They were just sitting quietly. Others in our party tried the same 'trick' but none of us obtained the same response from the fish. So.

When Starr was about two years old and just learning to express herself well i thought i would ask her about her memories of being born. i was a la leche league leader surrounded by conversations on birth and nursing and so had an interest in her perception of birth. Also she had been exposed to pregnancy and birth so i was cautious of blindly believing her story (if she had one) of what it was like to be born. What she told me stunned me ... in a good way.

We were sitting on the couch in our living room. Just Starr and i - no one else around to distract us.

i asked starr, "Do you remember what it was like being born?"

Starr nodded and said, "Yes."

"What was it like?" i asked.

She held her head in her hands and said, "Hurt."

"It hurt being born?" i asked.

Starr nodded yes.

i asked, "So, what did you want to do?"

She responded, "i wanted to go back."

i assumed where she wanted to 'go back' was to the womb, but i asked her, "Where did you want to go?"

Starr became very still and she looked at me with the eyes of an ancient being. Then without a word while maintaining focused eye contact with me she very carefully placed her index finger at the point of the third eye.

Maybe there were more questions to be asked. But the ancient eyes looking at me with powerful focused intention stilled my tongue. My little daughter had said it all. I interpreted her actions to tell me she wanted to return to at-one-ment with Creator and Creation.

So perhaps Starr's children will have a similiar understanding of Creation and Creator. Maybe.

i do think, little 10 month old Kai hanging out with the gramma cat is a good start.

2011-01-14T07:13:00.000-08:00

W A T E R

Interview with Masaru Emoto. His work is worth continuing to consider. Dr. Emoto work first came to light some years ago. Listen and reconsider the impact of our thoughts and prayers on the world around us as shown thru the impact on water.

Link to interview on YouTube.com

Interview from Healthy Planet.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoRDPgMvro4&feature=related

2011-01-12T12:17:00.000-08:00

RIGHT vs WRONG

black - white

hot - cold

day - night

happy - sad

joyous - angry

up - down

yes - no

male - female.

left - right

GOOD vs BAD

i am right. i am wrong. i am black. i am white. i am hot. i am cold. i am day. i am night. i am happy. i am sad. i am joyous. i am angry. i am up. i am down. i am yes. i am no. i am male. i am female. i am left. i am right. i am good. i am bad.

i am not right. i am not wrong. i am not black. i am not white. i am not hot. i am not cold. i am not day. i am not night. i am not happy. i am not sad. i am not joyous. i am not angry. i am not up. i am not down. i am not yes. i am not no. i am not male. i am not female. i am not left. i am not right. i am not good. i am not bad.

http://www.lojongmindtraining.com/

2010-11-22T14:08:00.000-08:00

FIRST I MADE PLANS REVISITED

Through out all the months on the road, but especially in recent weeks unexpected choices have come up and i find myself asking ... 'if not now, when?' ... to those situations and choices. With some freqency i follow up with asking myself ... 'isn't this why you disassembled your previous life? ... to be available to just this sort of situation ...Well, ya, but i still expected a different outcome.' ...

For a few weeks the Chaos of the unsettled was near unbearable for this bull. Everything i attempted to pin down spun out and away. It seemed as though i was getting further and further away from my imagined goal of work / career / calling. I was growing depressed. Depression is something i rarely have to deal with. Life was not bending to my will. Life was not following my rules. Crossing my T's and dotting my I's and still i was not moving in the direction i expected to be moving.

Brought to my knees, I prayed. I asked for help to unravel the chaos and confusion. I asked for peace. With prayer ties as focusing tool, i breathed in the life unfolding in me and through me. Again, i re-dedicated self as a conduit to serve life and the people. Hanging the ties from the pine tree in the front yard of the home i am staying in, the depression lifted and peace came into me with the breath. In under 24 hours the chaos began to loosen its hold on me. Situations that were not resolving were now resolving. There were many layers of situations one relying on the other to reach resolution and now one after the other resolution was created and the next puzzle piece and the next clicked into place.

***

I have been confusing career with vocation.

***

I have been assuming that the career and vocation were one. Perhaps because so often they have been one. I never questioned if it were possible for them to not be one.

***

"When you are working within the field of Fortitude ....Some form of humiliation is often part of the picture, so you may face obstacles that will humiliate you while you are trying to ground your vision into everyday reality. The reason for the humiliation is mystical in that you are forced to relinquish your personal vision of how something should be accomplished, allowing for the divine plan to be set in motion."
Taken from DEFY GRAVITY by Caroline Myss
www.Myss.com
***

2010-11-18T09:51:00.000-08:00

The Pathway of MOTHER

This morning my daughter, Pure Joy, spoke of spiritual practice (called by some sadhana). She voiced concern related to not finding time for prayer, introspection and meditation as her time is so completely taken up with the care of her Little Lightning Boy. She spoke of levels of exhaustion wherein she could not stay awake or focused to pray.

How well i remember those days of holding, rocking, nursing, bathing, touching, touching touching with compassion and peace the little ones given to my care. The extended period of exhaustion was beyond anything i had experienced before or since that time. Yet concurrently there was a joy and peace beyond anything before or since. How i remember breathing in the essence of the little one, the purity, the life force so powerful. It was and continues to be humbling to be chosen to be Mother by Creator, Creation and the Spirit coming in as my child.

We then discussed BEING MOTHER as a pathway to the Center of All Things, my daughter shared her practices now and i shared my practices during that time when i was Mother to little ones. Practices wherein we are for days, months and years continually 'on call' to meet the needs of the little one given into our care.

By necessity related to the commitment to be Mother, there were/are no extended times for going into physically quiet places for long periods of focused melting and melding with spirit. It seems my daughter and i have both come to similiar practices to assist in centering. They are practical and simple and most important they really work to create opening to spirit in a good way.

* * * * * * *

Be present in the moment, knowing that BEING MOTHER is The Practice

***

Each breath is a prayer. There may not be time to have extended focused prayer/meditation, however a single breath with focus can be the prayer

***

Put on Music that is prayer or sing to yourself and your little ones songs that draw us upwards to places of peace

***

Read the words of those who love Creator and Creation while you are sitting and nursing your little one

***

While preparing food, serving food, eating, feeding the little one put good thoughts/prayers into the food so that this is also a prayer

***

Washing self, washing the little one is more than a physical cleansing, it is a cleansing of spirit also

***

Washing clothes, washing dishes, folding clothes, drying dishes, this is also a prayer

***

All care of the Little One is a prayer

... all is a prayer

***

All is a prayer

***

All is a prayer

***

All is a prayer

2010-11-13T07:05:00.000-08:00

The Way of the Heart

* * * * * * *

The World According to Turtle Island Nomad, which may have nothing to do with your reality

*****

I am drawn to the Christ. Differentiating Christ from Jesus. Jesus was the man who carried the Christ Medicine / manifested the Christ Spirit. The Christ Spirit is the Spirit of LOVE prevading ALL. I honor the man Jesus and he was a man ... only a man. The difference between this man and others is that he chose to open himself completely to the LOVE. He became a conduit to serve the people. He gave his life as a gift to the people.

The mystics of the Christian pathway speak across the centuries to ALL WAYS. They speak in the language of those who follow the Christ way - and - for those who have ears and heart to hear, THEY SPEAK TO ALL WAYS.

The mystics / those who love Creation and Creator . . . speak the same language. They speak HEART.

There is only ONE WAY to the center of all things. That way is not only 'Christian', it is not only 'Buddhist', it is not only 'hindu', it is not only 'Zoroastrian', it is not only Lakota ....(choose any number of other pathways from across the Mother Earth and add in here)....

*****

I have a certainty that Jesus who manifested the Christ spirit would have no problem:

*Practicing Lojong Tonglen with the Buddhists

*Revere and hold sacred the living world as the Zoroastrians do

*Use the japa mala/prayer beads with the Hindu practioners

*Crawl into the Inipi to pray with the Lakota People

*****

With this in mind, consider reading THE CLOUD OF UNKNOWING. It is not an easy read and it shares the 'signs' common along the way to all who choose to follow the way of the heart. Feel free to insert the language of the path you have chosen to follow to help understand the insights offered. This book is a map of the terrain of the awakening heart. This book in it's entirety is on line at Googles book site whose link is at the bottom of this post. Directly below are a few short quotes from this book:

*****

"Be willing to be blind,

and give up all longing to know the why and how,

for knowing will be more a hinderance than a help."

*****

"But now you will ask me

'How am i to think of God himself, and what is he?'

and i cannot answer you except to say,

'I do not know' for with this question you have brought me into the same darkness,

the cloud of unknowing where i want you to be."

*****

"God, unto whom all hearts be open,

and unto whom all will speaketh and unto whom no privy thing is hid.

i beseech thee so for to cleanse the intent of mine heart

with the unspeakable gift of they grace,

that i may perfectly love thee, and worthily praise thee.

Amen"

*****

http://books.google.com/books?id=8PEJ-rfFj_oC&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+cloud+of+unknowing&hl=en&ei=xajeTOznKI3_nAfzisnXDw&sa=X&oi=book_result&ct=result#v=onepage&q&f=false

2010-11-10T02:00:00.000-08:00

PATHS CONVERGE

If i go far enough in any direction on true spiritual path, there is convergence with other true paths. Just as Turtle Island herself is criss-crossed with roadways to meander or move with resolve and intention, just so spiritual practice has 'hook-up' points.

WE ARE ALL CONNECTED.

Today i came across a small connection point. i was at the OSHO web site (www.osho.com) reading an atricle on the Aum sound. (Aum: Universal Panacea). Osho says, "The Aum creates within you the shivalinga, the egg-shaped energy circle. When you become perceptive you can even see it." Later in the same article he states, "The moment this happens to you, languor has disappeared. Now you are high energy." Osho says, "When you become silent with the chanting of Aum, you are sheltered, calm, quiet, collected. In that collectedness you can see which is the real voice which is coming from you, which is authentic." I interpret this "real voice" as wisdom when there is a gaining of insight from inner quidance.

In Lakota tradition (the people of the plains of Turtle Island) there is one who is talked about much, Iktomi the spider trickster. What is not spoken of as often is the origins of Iktomi. Before Iktomi came to be, there was Ksa. Ksa was the child of Inyan and Wakinyan. Ksa is wisdom and as such guided the people to places of being in wisdom. Ksa was later transformed into Iktomi when people stopped listening to wisdom. Some accounts say that Ksa was egg-shapped or odd shapped. Other accounts say he was born from an egg. For further information on Ksa one source to consider is the books by James R. Walker (Lakota Myth, Lakota Belief and Ritual).

The reference to EGG SHAPED is the connection point for me. Both pathways associate this EGG shape with Wisdom, listening and hearing innner guidance.

******

When will we return to the Aum vibration that prevades all creation.

******

When will we return to the wisdom of Ksa?

******

There is much more that can be written about the fall from that place of Wisdom which occured when the people stopped listening ... to the aum ... to Ksa. That however is a topic for another day.

2010-10-22T11:06:00.000-07:00

SETTLING IN ... soon

Interesting is it not ... the way we make plans and then the Universe seems to have other ideas. Here i am sitting in the corner ... raising my hand but the teacher does not notice me. Though i do not want to be so ensnared in STUFF as previous, i find over the last month or so a desire to settle in one spot, at least for a time. The old bull nature is reasserting itself. Winter is coming and i want to move into a quiet and safe place. After 4 months of traveling i am ready to lay my head in the same spot every nite ... at least for a while... Maybe the hollow of an old tree ... bedding down with the critters (oh maybe not that, as i do like having a heater ... but it is a sweet picture isn't it??!!)

I have enjoyed the last 4 months. It has been a time of learning and growing up. Not one step would i change . . . it has been worth it.

I have been from Florida to Georgia to North Carolina to South Dakota to North Carolina to Georgia to South Dakota to Utah to California to Oregon to South Dakota to Colorado.... and of course all the states you drive thru to get to these states.

Simultaneously, since California i have been applying on line for work with Indian Health Services in South Dakota. To date, i have put the application in 4 times. After each of the first 2 applications i called the local HR office in PineRidge. Each time they told me the application had not gone thru though each time i got e-mail confirmation that it had gone thru. After the 3rd application i called the central office at Aberdeen and a hard working HR employee has been helping me. Together we put thru a 4th application which showed up as going thru on my end but not on her end. Then today she saw that there are 2 seperate applications for the same job. One to be filled out by federal employees and native americans and another to be filled out by 'others'. i am an 'other'. The HR employee stayed on the phone with me and attempted to walk me thru the application for non federal and native american ... and it would not even allow me to enter the application for this job. the HR person also tried and was denied access.

Winter is coming. You can smell it and feel it. The desire to settle in for winter is strong ... and i am still dancing on the wind.

Presently i am sitting homeless in a library, using thier wireless, to let you know ... "Oh my, not sure what is next." Optimism continues as i bought a new stethescope today as my other is in North Carolina.

....soon....

2010-07-02T04:06:00.000-07:00

DIRECTION

The direction of the day is NORTH. The color of the day is RED. Time to look inside and see. Driving in a red car on roads that are literally red related to the clay on the roads.

i had a dream last night i was with one of my sisters, Patticake. We were laughing our heads off til tears came to our eyes. . . or maybe we were crying just as hard with sorrow. Either way, the salty tears reminiscent of the amniotic waters flowed.

Birthing

Waters breaking

Breathing

The beauty of this life . .

breathing it in

It brings me to my knees

Life pulses in and through

Forever.

How are we to survive this exquisite sensation:

Being born . . . over . . . and over . . . and over . . .

The only thing we can do is dance

2010-06-23T09:18:00.000-07:00

TRAVEL PLANS

i was always MAKING PLANS . . . this is how i lived most of my life ........ with lists and plans stretching years and years in advance and now, to the query: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? The answer is:

i am not sure

where the winds of the four directions and the little whirlwind takes me.

*** ***

The best laid schemes of Mice and Men

oft go awry,

And leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For promised joy.

- - - Robert Burns - - -

2010-06-16T22:49:00.000-07:00

Salt Water -

Amniotic fluid of Mother Earth

In two weeks i am out of Florida. You might think i am being chased out by the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and the true disaster that is still impending as a result , however my plans to leave were made long before the BP oil fiasco. First conscious plans to leave florida occurred in 2005. However, in 2005, i was not willing to do what needed to be done to get moving. Now i have chosen to give away, throw away and sell anything i could not fit into a little 10 x 10 storage space.

It is not that i am looking for a SAFE PLACE. There may not be any place safe from the selfish motives of the two-leggeds. (i do not let myself off the hook here. Part of what is driving me at this time is seeking to move away from my own selfishness.) Actually, i think i am moving away from safety in the traditional sense. After a life time of seeking safety, this is no longer my prime focus.

I had thought that Florida with it's shifting sands was a place with no solid ground for me. That is true. But it may also be that by the very nature of this unfolding and transformation, the shifting sands will be where i am, no matter the physical location. So, we are back to homeostasis. The theme of this period. Homeostasis, the moving and ever shifting balance. Homeostasis, never the same, always changing.

The homeostasis of the Gulf of Mexico and the land masses surrounding her are in grave danger. Say prayers. Pray hard. The Mother is suffering. The salt water is the amniotic fluid of the Mother Earth and it is being filled with substances never meant to mix with water. Without healthy amniotic fluid The Mother will not be able to bring forth new life.

Start now, breathing in the suffering and breathing in the beauty. It is all there. Return the suffering transformed to love. Return the beauty unadultered and perfect. Be the conduit - be the hollow bone. Let your breath be your prayer. It is that simple. It is not big words or long sentences that make the prayer. The prayer is our life and our life runs on the breath.

2010-06-08T19:57:00.000-07:00

I can not even come up with a title for this one

After a life time of BELIEVING. Dropping belief. No longer believe that there is any solid ground under my feet. No longer believe there will ever be a way to get solid ground under my feet. No longer believe there is even such a thing as solid ground. Homeostasis is the foundation. Homeostasis is a dance. Reason is illusion. Security is a made up word. This one has given up on making sense out of the chaos.

A great and ancient stone knife is cutting through the middle of all things - cutting through the midde of the one doing this writing. Digging and looking - but not seeing anything. In utter darkness and blinding light.

Living in two worlds and now neither one makes sense. Living between the two realities is tearing apart EVERYTHING. No longer having any desire to hold IT together. No longer looking for life to make sense. Running screaming naked and exposed. There is not even a man behind the curtain to blame IT on.

How have those who have come before survived this great and awe-ful tearing apart? This has no reference point.

The scam perpetrated on all of us is tremendous.

Don't follow me, i don't know where i am going. I do know there is tremendous power here but it is all chaotic. I am dangerous. Look out.

i am not manic. i am not depressed. i am not delusional. i am crazy. i am peaceful. i am ordinary.

Maybe i will wake up tomorrow in suberbia in a lounge chair with an umbrella drink in my hand. Maybe but i doubt it.

Great hooves thundering across the plains. The whole earth is shaking now. They are coming.

Don't be afraid to cry.

It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts.

-attributed to the Hopi

Our first teacher is our own heart.

-attributed to the Cheyenne

You can't wake a person

who is pretending to sleep.

-attributed to the Dine'

When a man moves away from nature

his heart becomes hard.

-attributed to the Lakota

2010-06-06T05:36:00.000-07:00

STILL BREATHING

So that is something. i am Still Breathing.

I disagree with Maslow' Hierarchy of needs related to HOMEOSTASIS.

Homeostasis should be simultaneously on the bottom (physiological) and the top (self actualization).

Maybe more on this later. Maybe not.

"The first peace, which is the most important is

that which comes within the souls of people

when they realize their relationship,

their oneness with the universe and all its powers

and when they realize that at the center of the universe

dwells Wakan Tanka

and this center is really everywhere,

it is within each of us."

Black Elk

2010-05-30T12:38:00.000-07:00

LONELINESS vs SOLITUDE

Why is this being human so very lonely sometimes? Even when surrounded by loving friends and family it can be so lonely. Conversely being alone in the woods can be peaceful and comforting - in a place of at-one-ment (atonement) with life. Clearly external circumstances alone do NOT dictate loneliness vs solitude.

Two of my daughters recently had babies. I spent time with them, attending the births and being with the new families as they got started. It was a time rich and full. It was a time of connection when loneliness was not a concern.

I then spent time with my daughter in Oregon who has a one year old. This also was a time of fullness when there was no loneliness.

Soon after the time with the daughters, i did spend time alone in the woods. Though this time was difficult in many ways, it was not a time of loneliness. It was a protected space rich and full of life. Clearly there is more to this loneliness vs solitude than proximity to other people.

I love my daughters and the heart overflows when i think of them. Being seperated from them and now from the little grandbabies is so painful. Now i feel lonely. Now my heart aches to a level that it is excrusciating. It is easy to think that the loneliness comes from being seperated from the daughters and the grandbabies. However, i am not sure that this is the case. That is to say, i am not sure if the source of the lonliness is seperation from my beloved family. Perhaps the true source of lonliness is selfishness coming from me. Let me explain.

When i was with the family my focus was on them. The intention to be there for them and to help them was paramount. Now, the focus has returned to Me, Myself and I. Perhaps the lonliness is a by-product of self absorbtion. When alone out in the woods, again the focus was not on the self. It was a time of prayer - occasionally for self and most often for others. There was no lonliness when the focus was NOT on self.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE - - - Sitting with this deep loneliness i feel now and not trying to FIX it - Not judging this loneliness as good or bad - seeking to not manipulate my daughters and make them feel responsible for my loneliness - seeking to not endlessly distract myself from this place of lonliness by going endlessly to the movies or out to eat or talking on the phone with friend after friend after friend. The restlessness starts to slow down as i just sit and observe.

This loneliness is all part of being fully human. Being in solitude is also all part of being fully human. One is not better than the other. Though solitude is certainly more comfortable than lonliness. However if we are choosing the journey of awakening - it is not all about comfort.

Escaping loneliness through distraction will never bring lasting satisfaction. Loneliness will always return. Oh well, it is time to accept who i am and who you are. We are human beings who are sometimes more or less lonely. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing to fix. We can allow ourselves to just be in the middle of this life which contains these components. Sometimes we are lonely and sometimes we are in peaceful solitude. One is not better than the other.

So ... ... ...

The monotomy and solitude of the quiet life stimulates the creative mind.

Albert Einstein

Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.

Paul Tillich

The good and the wise lead quiet lives.

Euripides

Solitude is the price of greatness

Paramahansa Yogananda

2010-05-06T16:52:00.000-07:00

HOUSE-LESS

House sold. 40,000 under mortgage was the offer. Bank accepted in 14 days. I was told the banks often takes a year or two to accept an offer. i will be homeless before the end of May 2010. No plans on where to go or where to live. It does not bode well for the economy that the bank agreed without a fight. Perhaps this one being with little to no income and high overhead had something to do with their choice.

Almost in freefall.

I have no regrets for the choices i have made. i have followed my heart and looked to have good intention along the way.

A Taurus without firm ground underfoot - now that is an unusual bull. I hear the ground rumbling with the running hooves of my brothers and sisters. I also hear the ground rumbling with earthquakes, hurricanes and tornados. Perhaps there are others who sense, feel, see and know: the time for change is here.

For this one it is Yumni - the little whirlwind - dancing and playing as though the coming change were just a little thing. Asking me to come and play with destruction and creation.

Will i survive the change? "Do not ask such foolish questions", Yumni tells me.

DANCE WITH ME

2010-04-29T08:35:00.000-07:00

CONTROL Intellectually i know IT is about letting go of micromanagement control. The heart clearly knows it is about letting go of this kind of control. IT being this dance in and through life here on Turtle Island. Trying to totally manage the chaos actually prevents homeostasis. Being able to dance and move with changes to maintain balance sometimes requires pre-conscious level choices ... letting go of control. There is a choice: MAINTAIN CONTROL which brings with it nervousness, anxiety and the uneasy gut ... or ... LETTING GO OF CONTROL and being flowing and alive in the moment. Being in human form, there is usually a level of moving between the two. How good it feels to let go and be in the moment: breathing in the living air of the Mother Earth, drinking her water of life, letting the day take care of itself. i have a feeling (which may or may not be accurate) to completely relinquish control may be to also relinquish this human life. So it is a balance. Breathing in. Breathing out. Taking in. Giving out. Taking control. Releasing control. The suffering is as beautiful and the joy. The night as beautiful as the day. The poignant sweetness of this life brings gratitude. A family member made the journey yesterday. While here on The Mother he embraced Her and all of Her Gifts with love and a thankful heart. He took care of business and he gave his life to prayer. He loved his wife and he loved his daughter. He called things as he saw them and was honest in a refreshing way. He moved into the direction of his heart with intention. When he saw the direction was set to journey, he went with the flow. He did not seek to control this thing. He laid down prayers and went with the flow. We will miss you dear one. We are grateful we were able to spend some time with you. Your bravery is an example to emulate.

With love and respect ... Wopila / Thank You ... Good Journey

2010-04-26T09:29:00.000-07:00

DARING It is NOT about clean edges. It is NOT about keeping safe. It is about daring to be real and authentic. It is about throwing away the morays of right and wrong set by society and flying the colors of Creation and Creator. This scares me more than i have words .... and that being said .... at this point NOT following the dictates of spirit scares me even more. Basically flying blind with unfolding from moment - to moment - to moment. Do i hear Creation clearly? This one likely misses the target numerous times. i just keep resetting and adjusting direction and intention over and over and over.

I didn't trust it for a moment, but I drank it anyway, the wine of my own poetry. It gave me the daring to take hold of the darkness and tear it down and cut it into little pieces.

--Lalla, Contemporary of Hafiz

2010-04-25T07:14:00.001-07:00

LIFE

It is all about the breathe. Breathing in. Breathing out. As i sit here holding a baby not yet 4 days old. Listening to the breathe moving in and out. Moving out and in. What do we breathe in and out? For humans on the mechanical level there is gas exchange / ventilation carried out by the actions of the heart and lungs and then disbursed by the circulatory system. Breathe transports oxygen into the body and takes carbon dioxide out of the body. Here is what is also happening right now between this little one and i - the little one is breathing the flavor of me in along with the oxygen and then the little one is releasing out not only carbon dioxide but the flavor of self which i then take in. We are getting to know one another. This little one and i are also breathing in, listening to life through the breathe. We are breathing in all that is happening around us. We are one with all of Creation through the breathe. Creation is taking us in also. WE ARE ALL CONNECTED on a very basic and fundamental level. There is no way to not be connected. We can be out of touch and not be aware of that connection. However, that connection to all that IS continues unabated despite not having conscious awareness. We breathe in and out joy. We breathe in and out suffering. Life is a dynamic and continuous seeking of homeostasis. It is all about balance. This is a very intimate exchange and yet we are without awareness for the most part of this very intimate and continuous exchange. This exchange, this seeking of balance is love. Some say the only thing we really have to give in this life is our body. This is true. However, we also have a choice as to what is given with this body. Each breathe is potentially a prayer. Through the breathe we can connect - be a conduit - be a hollow bone. Is your breathe a prayer to be a hollow bone for love and balance?

ONE BREATHE AT A TIME WE CAN OFFER OURSEVES WE CAN OFFER OUR LIFE AS A GIFT TO OUR RELATIVES

2010-04-20T07:29:00.000-07:00

THINKING I have been doing IT again - thinking. It does have it's place. However, so often this one puts thinking where feeling is really what is needed. Logical deductive reasoning which the European construct is so fond of using does have it's place - however - it is optimally a small side car to the life lived and pulled out only as needed. Is all this blogging THINKING? OH YA - at least a thread to connect to words and then place those words in an order to be understood. There is no getting around it. To be here on Turtle Island requires some thinking. Watching my communication with others of late, i see much has come from thinking through issues. This thinking creates foolishness when used to excess. Looking back over the last few days i see i have thought and sadly shared much which is foolishness. Pontificating as though what is being said by this one is actual substance when it is bovine scat. Oh my. Apologies need to be made for putting those i love through THE WORLD ACCORDING TO ME.

. . . sorry . . .

Perhaps this is yet another issue related to being in human form . . . this separation from source wherein communication has a component of thinking along with the feeling. It seems we must spend scads of time forgiving self or we will be building up a big pile to be climbed over before real communication can occur. On the other hand, maybe this thinking is okay. It is what it is. Continuing on . . .

STILL BREATHING

2010-04-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

KNOWING We know what is so clearly. Yet we insist on pretending we do not know. Why do we do this? Think about it honestly - it is very rare for you to be really surprised by events. You pretend to be surprised but you are not really surprised - except in rare circumstances. Sometimes truth comes quiet but often she comes like a great crow cawing loudly and looming large in the tree next to you. Even when crow does come quiet like the dark of her night feathers, she is after all a creature of the day and can be clearly seen if we will only look and see. We have agreed to dance. We have agreed to dance with our partners, friends, family. Even those we meet only one time and never again we have agreed to this dance with them. We agreed to be born into this life. The Mother Earth welcomes us. We are her children. In dreamtime some years back i was shown / given a message which i continue to carry with me: I am in a high place with my family. We all love each other very much and know we are family. There is no one and there is no thing that is not family. We are all connected. We are all related. The Teacher asks us if we will enact a play. We all agree to be in this play. Some of us will play the part of 'bad guy' and some of us will play the part of 'good guy'. We are all admonished to remember - "This is only a play. It is not real. We are all family." The play begins. I am given the part with some of the family to be a human type creature but with wings to fly high in the sun light. Other family members are like great slugs who move through the mud in the deep places of the earth and never see the sun. As part of this great play we are to 'pretend' to be enemies. We are to pretend to fight one another as the light opposing the dark. In the beginning i remember and know that those slug people are my beloved family. However, somewhere along the way i forget. Somewhere along the way i come to think that i am a beautiful being of light and they are ugly creatures of dark to be destroyed. Then in a twinkling the play is over. The teacher is so sad. Many of us forgot it was only a play. We did not just pretend to attempt to destroy each other. From the deep places of our being we really tried to end the existence of the the other. How often do we bury our knowing of truth? How often do we forget that we are family so we can make it 'okay' to take from one another without concern for how the other is affected? This one has lived a gluttonous life. How long will i pretend to not know truth? Again the commitment is made to walk with you as family. Please forgive me, i forget.

Mitakuye Oyasin All My Relations

2010-04-06T05:13:00.000-07:00

LOOKING vs SEEING definitions: LOOK = to turn one's eyes towards something in order to see SEE = to perceive with the eyes, to be cognizant of Born with eyes to look out at the world, it was my father who helped teach me to see. He brought me to the doorway where knowing can occur. Before i ever started school (school which is a place of data collection rather than true education for the most part) he would take my hand and almost daily we would walk together. First he taught me to look and then he helped me to see what i was looking at. We almost always ended up at the Library Park. At that time the park was replete with dark and cozy caves of pine tree boughs, wildly growing riots of flowers and ponds, pond and more ponds with moss, fish, frogs and other critters who flew and crawled and hopped and sang. We used to make a game of carefully capturing a frog or two, so gently holding them and talking with them before returning them to their home in and near the water. The tree nations were my friends and i would climb high into the boughs and lay along the the branches which were often twice as big around as my body. The gnarled trunks were 3 or 4 times as big around as my daddy's body. The trees were among my best friends at that time. While walking, while sitting daddy and i would talk about, what as an adult, i would label as philosophical issues and questions. With my milk teeth still in my head, i teethed on abstract ideas such as truth or peace or integrity. I do not think my father consciously sought to teach me about these things, did he? I think sitting with these things is who he was. The bottom line is from early on this one's mind training was towards looking and then optimally seeing from mulitple angles. It is my intention to do more than look at you. It is my intention to see you. It seems when i see someone, they are almost invaribly beautiful. This does not mean that there are not warts and scales and twisted spine and twisted minds. It does mean i see the struggle to become human is there and the tender and gentle beauty of that seed takes my breathe away. It is more difficult to be gentle with the self in the seeing. Going deeply into self motivations, fears and resultant actions it is harder to see the beauty. How selfish i am. My favorite book is ME, MYSELF and I. It is a boring book but for some reason i read it over and over and over again. I have a feeling, as i continue to grow in compassion for others, if i am able to expand that compassion more and more to include compassion for the self . . . this one may begin to truly see and not just look.

... i hear a tiny baby crying in the other room ...

Maybe i would cry too if i saw as clearly as the little one ...

2010-04-05T05:51:00.000-07:00

SURVIVAL Back when i was little and had that fall off of the cinder block wall and could not get my breath, the concept i held of being alive changed. As young as i was, a part of me recognized: You may be taken from this prescious life. You can die. This was the first time i remember having recognized the threat of end to this earth life. This was not however the first time a life threatening event had occurred. i do remember numerous events that could have taken my life. Once when somewhere under five years of age, i wanted to test out moms warning related to electricity. So i stuck a fork in an electrical outlet to see just how bad doing this could really be. I wanted to know what this danger was all about. So i found out. Another event occuring when very young was self induced. Despite my parents telling me, 'Do not put coins in your mouth' i just had to see why that was a concern to them. So i put a penny in and swallowed. The penny became lodged so that no breath flowed. I lost consciousness. Dad found me and dislodged the penny i am told. There were the times as i grew older wherein the rip tides of the pacific ocean dragged me under. I especially remember one time when the rip tide pushed me into a hole in the ocean floor. It was peaceful and quiet in this hole and for a moment i enjoyed that quiet. The rip tide roaring above was like a lid on the small hole in the ocean floor in which i sat. Then the desire for breath motivated me to get to the surface. I did then become afraid when the rip tide lid would not let me out of this hole. Obviously i did get out eventually because here i am. I have never forgotten that one. Most who grow up in cities have numerous brushes with cars and traffic. As an adolescent i actually had a reputation in my small home town for running in front of cars. Somehow i was never hit. As a teenager i made poor choices, trusting people and situations that were potentially dangerous. Fortunately, over and over and over people who were able to assess a potentially violent or otherwise unsafe situation came and whisked me away or stood with me over and over and over. Sometimes i may have actually seen and made good choices also. So, these are just a few of the situations i got into just during the time i was growing from birth into the teen years. This may be the first time i have ever looked at these things at the same time. It seems like there were many many many times this life could have ended. Yet here this one is .... STILL BREATHING. How fragile and tenuous this earth life is for us. I think perhaps all of us have survived events that could easily have taken away this life over and over and over. Until THIS MOMENT i had not realized the many times we have faced death. There are times the concept of death as an end to struggle is attractive. Yet simultaneously my being rebels against this concept KNOWING this is not true as death itself is not real. Resonating with the words of Albert Einstien, "Energy can neither be created nor destroyed, it can only be transformed from one state to another." So here we are in this energetic looping figure eight. Eternity. At the center of who/what i am, i know, we can not run away from the lessons. If we do not take the curriculum now, we will take the curriculum later. Even this seeming running away from the curriculum is actually just a part of the curriculum.

2010-04-04T05:50:00.000-07:00

FIRST MEDICINE

When i was a young elementary school age child i would eat the plants growing along the way to and from the school yard. If the plant looked good, i would eat it, chew it, take in the juice and sometimes swallow the pulp ... sometimes not. During this same time period i would marvel at how this body was animated with life. I did not have big words like 'animated' but looking back that is an accurate word

to describe what i was "feeling" about being in this living breathing form that was able to move in the direction of my intention. The sense of wonder and joy related to being given the gift of life has not dimmed thru the years i have been here on Turtle Island.

This is also the time when i first began to fear i was going to die. When i was about five years old i fell off a high cinder block wall. It was about one and a half times as high as i was tall at the time. When i fell, i went down flat on my back. i did not hit my head on the rock hard ground but hit squarely all parts landing with equal pressure. The wind was knocked out of me so powerfully i could not take in a new breath. At first i was not frightened but just watched myself laying flat on my back unmoving and without breath. Then noticing i was not taking breath, i began to feel it would be a good idea to breathe. Making an attempt to draw in breath i was not successful. Making another attempt and another i was not successful. Coming to be filled with panic, in desperation and full intention i pulled breath into the body. It was painful. That first breath was very painful. From the place i sit now, i am reminded that some say it is painful for a newborn baby to draw his/her first breath. Is this true?

It was at the moment when this body desperately wanted breath and could not take the breath that i became aware: THERE ARE THINGS THE BODY NEEDS TO SURVIVE. It was clear in that moment, the body needed to pull the air in to live. Though i did not consciously understand, on some level this one knew breath was needed to survive. This is the first medicine i became aware of consciously. The plants i gathered and ate as i walked, the food my mama and other relatives prepared for me were not recognized as medicine at that time. But, by the very nature of the event it was very clear to me: this body desperately wanted to bring that air into and out of the body.

For a long time after the fall, i was afraid to go to sleep at night. Feeling fearful that i may stop breathing if i did not watch and monitor the flow of air into and out of the body. I fought going to sleep. I tried to talk to my parents about this fear: that i was going to stop breathing and die. Yet even as a child, i did not want to scare them too much, so i did not tell them of the fall and not being able to take in breath. Eventually the fear left but with a deeply embedded memory and reverence for how prescious this earth life we have been given is for each one of us.

This fall was a seminal event. I became aware of death. I became aware of medicine.

Air is the first medicine i recognized. Thru great fear came this awareness.

Even now, all these years later, i recognize breath as sacred. Sometimes i will just watch and feel the air moving into and out of this body. This watching and following of the breath brings with it peace. This breath is prayer.

So, after writing this i see that FEAR actually can have a positive effect as it brought awareness.

So perhaps fear is not always a bad thing.

Perhaps fear does have its place.

It does call us to attention.

2010-04-03T05:03:00.000-07:00

MOTIVATION It is not clear to me as to what the motivation to write a blog is about for me. i will let you know as i know. here is one thing, do NOT look for consistency. The hands are on the elephant trunk today, the leg tomorrow and the tail the day after that - truth as i see it changes day to day. If able to stay on target with each individual day's vision of truth i think i shall be well satisfied. Oh ya .... i am at risk to screw up ... probably because i become afraid. That is what us two leggeds working on becoming human beings do. We become AFRAID. When we are in fear we are at higher risk to try and manage the fall out of life. This numbing response of not looking squarely at issues while conversely attempting to control the fallout of life increases the screw up factor BIG TIME. For myself, i have spent much of my life in fear. In this i think i am not alone. Look in the mirror. Do you see any fear there? Do you see where fear manages your choices and actions much of the time? It is just recently that i have started to more clearly see the high level of fear which has motivated my myriad choices. So. Here it seems i have hit the proverbial nail on the head. Part of the motivation is chronicling the recognition of the fear which has controlled this life along with steps taken now/today to live a true and authentic life. If i see my thoughts, feelings and actions in print it is more difficult to ignore them. If i think even one person is also looking at these words i am called to accountability. i realize the most powerful base of accountability is internal locus. Perhaps someday this two-legged will be able to come from that internal locus consistantly. This earth life is so beautiful. Wasting it on choices made from fear is a sad thing. Presently in free fall, i am a homeless person with a roof over the head and money for food in the pocket. Giving up control while still making choices is a most interesting life dance. Do you want to dance?

2010-04-02T07:32:00.000-07:00

FIRST I MADE PLANS .... then life happened and continues to happen oblivous to my plans or inspite of my plans. Through out my life i have laid plans. Sometimes the plans have been made with 5 or 10 or 50 year goals. In all sincerity the plans have been made. I have read the statistics : Successful people make plans and have long term goals. I am not saying there is not some truth to the virtue of making goals and working towards those goals. Com'on stats dont lie (do they). HOWEVER . . . . in the last year thru difficult lessons i have been shown . . . . sometimes plans fall apart . . . . sometimes things need to fall apart. As a child i started making lists. ...To do today ... this week ... this month ... this year ... in one year ... in two years ... in twenty years ..... the intention (today) for this blog is to meander thru a life wherein the well laid plans and goals have been

FALLING

APART