Second Verse Same as The First

At the ripe old age of 28 when most are still jumping into this life, I was considering, ‘what is this earth life – do I want to continue in this life?’  The pain (not personal but rather that pain which pervades earth life) was excruciating.  I actually spent time with a counselor trying to sort out my feelings related to not being in the earth life versus being in this earth life.  I was not afraid of dying and I was not suicidal – I just saw the impermanent nature of this earth life wherein everything changes and questioned – ‘do I want to fully be born into this life?’  I felt like I was in a cocoon and not fully born.  I watched and heard others speak and act out ‘life’ and knew my experience was very different.   Ultimately I decided to ‘take the curriculum’ – I convinced myself it was a virtue to see what it was like to be a human who is doing, feeling and being.

•*ॐ*•

I still question if I made the correct choice.

•*ॐ*•

We are told by some there are no wrong choices and it is all a part of the journey.  On one hand this may be true.  I wanted to know what it was like to be in this earth fully.  Now I know.  I am thinking if I had not made some of the choices that more fully brought me into the earth, I might still have the seed desires which led me to choose what I saw as ‘taking the curriculum’  pulling at me until fulfilled  - and so I might not be any better off by abstinence.  On the other hand, I am pretty sure I have created new or deepened the previous samsara* tracts thru my choices. 

Now after countless years, tears and yes fears – I see all that I gave up to travel the path of this earth life – yet – clearly I had DESIRE and I followed that desire and took the journey both inner and outer across The Turtle Island. 

Would I have had the discrimination at 28 to consciously choose another pathway?  I think not.  Now at 64 I am just beginning to scratch the surface of creating discrimination in my choices rather than following desire where it led. All those years ago I sought to convince myself that desire is synonymous with needed curriculum.  It was popular at that time to say: this earth is a schoolroom - take the lessons.  My error was believing that chasing desire was taking the lesson. 

Perhaps next time the issue comes up there will also be discrimination coupled with perseverance to make choices which bring goodness to my life and the lives of others.  My prayer at this time is to live long enough to clear out the newly created and perhaps previous life karma still tagging along.  This one is grateful for each day which brings new opportunity to turn yet more fully to The Light.   

Chopping wood . . .

Carrying the water . . .

 

*sam•sa•ra  (səmˈsɑr ə) 

 1.  (in Buddhism) the process of coming into existence as a differentiated, mortal creature.

 2.  (in Hinduism) the endless series of births, deaths, and rebirths to which all beings are subject.

[1885–90; < Skt samsāra literally, running together]

 

°˚°★*˚°。°*° CHANGE *★ °˚°★*˚°。°* ★ The One Constant in this Earth Life

The one constant in this EARTH LIFE is change.  You can be sure that nothing will stay the same.  Flowers will come and go with the seasons.  Even the rose bush who grows dormant for the Winter before returning in the spring - she will eventually go from the earth - die.  Anything that is born on The Mother also dies - eventually. 

I have been reminiscing on when I left the RoseBud Reservation last August 2013.  As much as I was looking forward to being with family of the heart and blood in California, I was also leaving family of the heart on The RoseBud. 

°˚°★*˚°。°*。°*★*˚°。CHANGES °˚°★*˚°。°*。°*★*˚°。

A few days before I left the reservation as I was packing up my trailer for the big move west a bird flew into my home.  It was early evening when there were still a few hours of sun light left. The sky was not yet changing to the reds and oranges of setting sun but was still carrying varying tones of blue.  It was a beautiful and peaceful time of early evening.  She was a beautiful, young and healthy bird.  She had an inverted V tail.  There were no distinctive male colors; rather she had the muted and protective colors of the female.  She did not call out.  She did not become frantic.  She flew into the house thru the garage and into the kitchen and then into the living room.  She made eye contact with me as she flew towards me.  I saw no fear in her demeanor.  Lady Bird was coming as a gift.  After she had flown around the house for a bit she flew back into the garage thru the connecting doors and roosted in the rafters.  I left the garage door to outside open for her but she seemed happy in the garage though the light was still shining thru the door to the outside and she knew how to leave if she chose.

In the morning when I woke she had gone.  Flown away and now it was time for me to fly away.  When I had left Florida a few years back, members of the dragonfly nation had come in a similar way to say ‘time to fly’.  Now Lady Bird had done the same. 

My life has been and continues to be full to overflowing with Love from Both Creator and Creation, full to overflowing with beginnings and endings.  All the seasons move within me.  Spring gives me new beginnings and renewals.  Summer gives the fullness and richness of youthful seeking to be.  Fall brings a riot of colors and reminiscences.  Then comes Winter, a time to move inside to that place beyond Creation.  The seasons interchange – come and go – within the Universe of my consciousness in much the same way the season changes and moves over the face of The Earth.  A peace can come – an assurance; being at-one with the changing seasons of my soul juxtaposed to the seasons of The Earth. 

thinking about the concept of DESERVING ...

 

 

********

Yesterday at a local gas station a man respectful - smelling of alcohol - came up to me and asked me for money.  He called me gramma/Unci (I am pretty sure he called me this just to 'soften' me up).  I told him I would not give him money but I would get him a cup of coffee - which I did.  After I did this, a young man about 30 years younger than me who worked at the gas station came out of the gas station store and called out to me.  He called me little girl/Wincicila (I am pretty sure he did this to wound me).  When I turned, he told me I was foolish and that this man was a drunk and did not deserve (his word - 'deserve') the coffee. he then pointed to another man who was talking with another patron of the gas station and suggested I should have helped this one as his family had fallen on hard times. 

 

I did not know - Grandfather/Tunkasila was working at this local gas station in the form of a young man  and deciding who deserved compassion.  The truth is - if the 'deserving' man had approached me, I would have given him a cup of coffee also. 

 

Every one - every one - has the spark of Creator and Creation inside of them - I do not have the wisdom to know who deserves compassion so it is just my intention to give compassionate care to all . . . . . .

Writing About ANGER ... ... ... ... ... or... ... ... ... ... ... Something Else Completely

 

Anger so easily wells up in me.  I have so far to go to be in that balanced place of PEACE and LOVE.  Feeling anger  as it starts to build in my belly, I simultaneously see ego there trying to maintain control and power, trying to prevent humiliation (thru loss of power and control).  Thank you to all the good teachers who have shown thru examples both good (being peace) and bad (caught in ego).

Making many promises of doing good, doing what is right and being a warrior for positive change in The Earth.  My Teacher looking at me with calm compassion, dismissing my promises said “Don’t get angry anymore.”  I have not kept any of my grandiose promises.  I have tried and tried and tried to not get angry anymore and still the worst enemy I fight is anger.  Angry with oh so many of the outside factors pressing in on me, it is the inside issue of anger coming back again and again which at this point leaves me feeling devastated. 

Having spent 63 summers in The Earth, I feel like a complete failure.  The one thing the teacher has asked of me, the one thing The Teacher requests and I fail repeatedly.

There is a part of me seeking to bring long vision and logic in.  I tell self: this feeling of worthlessness and failure will pass.  As you all know, when in the middle of that feeling, that is all there is for us.  There is no apparent ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

When The Teacher requested this of me, I thought.  That is easy.  If that is all you want, consider it done.  Then, for a day it was easy.   Now three years later, it is clearly not so easy.  Wanting to run away and hide from what is predominating.  Not to get away from what makes me angry.  Wanting to get away from me as this whole mellow-drama of the LIFE OF ME is boring and selfish beyond ability to measure.

There is no way out of this dilemma except to walk thru the fire.  Do the work and stop getting angry. 

Time to change the focus from Poor Pitiful Me to the place it has belonged all along Taking Care of The People.  There is no person who has been or will be on The Earth who is not suffering. 

So I am dealing with anger.  So what.  Join the club. 

Time to just do the work that is given to me to do.

Interesting . .  Had thought the topic was going to be anger, but it ends up being selfishness.  Without selfishness there would be no anger.  The selfish nature feeds many painful feelings including anger. 

 

 

✫*¨`*✶♪.¸  ¸.✻ღϠ₡ღ✻ ... ✫*¨`*  ✶♪.¸¸.✻  ღϠ₡ღ✻ ...   ✫*¨`*✶♪.¸  ¸.✻ღϠ₡ღ✻

"God feels no anger, no matter how many times we err.

He is the Fountainhead of limitless, unconditional love."

--From the book "Moments of Truth" by Paramahansa Yogananda

✫*¨`*✶♪.¸  ¸.✻ღϠ₡ღ✻ ... ✫*¨`*  ✶♪.¸¸.✻  ღϠ₡ღ✻ ...   ✫*¨`*✶♪.¸  ¸.✻ღϠ₡ღ✻

 

a video to consider listening to
Put a Little Love in Your Heart
 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=acpLe00-0t8

 

About My Empolyer and My Work ...

Just to clear up any confusion: I have never worked for SJRMC, SCH or now IHS. I have and will always consider myself as one who works for the people.  I have however worked through SJRMC, SCH and now IHS.  Do you see the difference? 

 The fact that I am a given the title 'nurse' is also near inconsequential in the scheme of things over a lifetime.  Any work we do which sits with ahimsa* is with proper focus a work for the people and is then a healing work.  To offer someone a cup of coffee while you work at Starbucks has the potential to be every bit as healing as nursing at a bedside or collecting the trash from a curb or holding a little one on your lap and reading them a story.   It is the attitude held while doing the work.  To offer a cup of water with anger in your heart is harmful.  To offer a cup of water with good intention is healing. 

Yes, it is good to gain an education, if it is going to help you serve the people in the way most suited to your temperament and the needs of the people.  Remember, you are an important part of 'the people' and if the learning feeds your heart this is also a good thing.  However education alone can be like an empty plate put before a hungry man.  The plate may be beautiful, expensive and well made, however, it is not worth anything in the moment when the starving person looks at it craving something to fill the empty belly.

There have been many times when I have looked in the mirror and not liked the person looking back.  This signals the need for change.  This being human and humane is not easy.  It is sometimes difficult to face myself there is so much shame.  I am thinking you have felt the same.  You may even choose to not see yourself related to the shame and knowing that once you see you have no excuse to not act and make positive change.

*****

Look in the mirror.

 

Who do you see looking back when you look into the eyes?

 

 

*****

 

 

 

*more on AHIMSA can be found in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda.  

Chapter 44 discusses Yogananda's meeting with Mahatma Gandhi and a discussion on ahimsa. 

This book and this chapter is a good read.  enjoy..

 



DOGMA

“They came with a bible and their religion, stole our land,

crushed our spirit and now they tell us

we should be thankful to the lord for being saved.”

-Pontiac  (1718-1769)

DOGMA is a human created concept or interpretation of the Creator's intention.  Much harm has been done by those who think they know 'the will', the intention of Creator and believe it to be their purpose to ‘share the good news’ or impose it on others.  My heart opens to the one who carries The Christ Medicine.  Sadly many who have come claiming to be his people have done great harm.  Since before recorded history there have been religions seeking to control how we think and feel.  What happened to the indigenous people of Turtle Island has happened many times before wherein outsiders come in claiming they must no longer follow the ways they presently believe but accept the usurpers belief system.  It is not just those who carry the bible who have done and continue to harm. Many dogmatic religions have sought to impose their constructs on others.  Please do not misunderstand my intent.  People of like mind gathering together to become at-one (atoned) to Creator is a wonderful thing.  It is when they thump their bible or their Koran or other ‘good book’ and tell the people they MUST follow their particular way to God to be saved from suffering that dogma slips his greasy head into the picture.

I was fortunate to have a father who never dictated what I was to believe or the path I was to follow.  At the same time, Dad and I often had lively discussions of philosophies, concepts and constructs related to potential pathways to the Heart Center of Creator and Creation.  This is the way I have sought to help my daughters to find their own personal pathway.  This is the way I intend to be there for my grandchildren as they find their way through life.  This opening of the heart and nurturing of the intuition to KNOW TRUTH on a personal level is in my construct (cannot speak for others) a powerful pathway to the center of Creator / LOVE. 

When someone says ‘I believe’ this is truth or ‘I believe’ this is the way God wants me to live, this is not a bad thing.  It is a good start point in our walk through life.  When a child is little, the mom may say, “Do not touch the hot stove.  It will burn you.”  The child may ‘believe’ what the mother says is true even though she does not ‘know’ this is true.  This believing the words of the Mother saves the little one from harm.  However, there comes a point in life, whether by intent or circumstance, the little one comes to “know” through personal experience: this is hot.  This will burn you.  This is what a burn does to you. The child has moved from believing to knowing.  

When I was little, I had a book of bible stories with many bright paintings on the pages.  The one that fascinated me more than any other was a painting of “God” sitting on a throne in the clouds above the Earth.  The God in this painting was a massive human male, dwarfing the Earth.   I pondered this picture over and over for a period of time in my life. I do remember I was in elementary school.  I was probably about 8 to 12 years old at the time, I do not remember my exact age or the length of time involved but I certainly went to this painting over and over and over.    In my child’s mind I was pondering the size of God.  At some point, I came to the conclusion that this painting could not be an accurate rendition of God, as God was much too huge to be depicted in a painting.  I also came to the conclusion that even the human form may be incorrect.  I did not know if a ‘form’ could even contain this power I called ‘God’.   This event in my personal experience depicts for me the very beginning of transitioning from belief to knowing at the core of my being. I was coming to know a personal truth versus a taught dogma.

With caution I must note that what I “KNOW” changes from day to day as the experiences of life continue to mold and change me.  I am reminded of the words of the Great Mahatma:

“I am not at all concerned with appearing to be consistent.

In my pursuit after Truth I have discarded many ideas

and learnt many new things.”  

-Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

When we feel joy in our relationship with Creator and Creation it is natural to want to expand that joy through sharing that joy with others.  It is perhaps even commendable that we wish others to also feel the expansive joy of relationship with LOVE that we possess.  It is however a cautious balance we must seek.  We must be careful to not stand in the way of freewill.  Those who know me, know that I will often follow a statement related to my concept of truth with …. “This is the world according to Cretia and may have nothing to do with your reality.”  I mean these words sincerely.  It is not my place to impose on you beliefs of HOW THINGS ARE.  Perhaps I add a bit more spice to the soup of your consciousness.  I certainly know you do this for me and I thank you for this addition of spice to my consciousness soup. 

Much Love . . . .

==================================================================

CHANGE IS PAINFUL

 

Change is painful, even when it is ‘good change’ (by our personal ego-centric take on life) …. Perhaps a major component of this pain is FEAR.  So much time is wasted (by me … and maybe by you) in painful fear.  Even when I want the change, actually taking the physical leap and the leap of faith, FEAR often pops up BIG TIME and HUGE.

It is often only when the pain of not making the change outweighs the fear of making the change that we flip over into the action needed to create the new space in our lives. 

This does not mean that every change we consider needs to actually be seriously entertained.  To discern and ponder and then choose with consideration to the effect this choice has on self, family, friends and all of life (we are all connected) is a component of big life changes if wisdom and intuition predominate.  However, in considering all aspects the mitigating factor is not whether self and others LIKE (oh my, I am thinking about ‘liking’ a Facebook comment) but what is the outcome of the change being considered.  A simplistic example might be:  I choose to start an exercise regime.  Short term this is painful (muscles screaming) but looking to the future the long term benefits of increased endurance and perhaps longer more active life. 

PAIN IS UNAVOIDABLE.  After a lifetime of seeking to avoid pain this one over recent years is more completely coming to understand and feel in the core:  not only is pain unavoidable it is not always a bad thing.  Pain sends up the flag notifying us that something needs attention. 

So, on a more mundane level, I think I will break out my yoga mat and do some stretches now as I am thinking about changing my sedentary life to one of conscious movement to limber my mind, heart and body.  (Maybe not so mundane after all).

 

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Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran

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