At the ripe old age of 28 when most are still jumping into this life, I was considering, ‘what is this earth life – do I want to continue in this life?’ The pain (not personal but rather that pain which pervades earth life) was excruciating. I actually spent time with a counselor trying to sort out my feelings related to not being in the earth life versus being in this earth life. I was not afraid of dying and I was not suicidal – I just saw the impermanent nature of this earth life wherein everything changes and questioned – ‘do I want to fully be born into this life?’ I felt like I was in a cocoon and not fully born. I watched and heard others speak and act out ‘life’ and knew my experience was very different. Ultimately I decided to ‘take the curriculum’ – I convinced myself it was a virtue to see what it was like to be a human who is doing, feeling and being.
•*ॐ*•
I still question if I made the
correct choice.
•*ॐ*•
We are told
by some there are no wrong choices and it is all a part of the journey. On one hand this may be true. I wanted to know what it was like to be in
this earth fully. Now I know. I am thinking if I had not made some of the
choices that more fully brought me into the earth, I might still have the seed desires
which led me to choose what I saw as ‘taking the curriculum’ pulling at me until fulfilled - and so I might not be any better off by abstinence. On the other hand, I am pretty sure I have
created new or deepened the previous samsara* tracts thru my choices.
Now after
countless years, tears and yes fears – I see all that I gave up to travel the
path of this earth life – yet – clearly I had DESIRE and I followed that desire
and took the journey both inner and outer across The Turtle Island.
Would I have
had the discrimination at 28 to consciously choose another pathway? I think not.
Now at 64 I am just beginning to scratch the surface of creating discrimination in my choices
rather than following desire where it led. All those years ago I sought to convince myself that desire is synonymous with needed curriculum. It was popular at that time to say: this earth is a schoolroom - take the lessons. My error was believing that chasing desire was taking the lesson.
Perhaps next
time the issue comes up there will also be discrimination coupled with perseverance
to make choices which bring goodness to my life and the lives of others. My prayer
at this time is to live long enough to clear out the newly created and perhaps
previous life karma still tagging along.
This one is grateful for each day which brings new opportunity to turn
yet more fully to The Light.
Chopping wood . . .
Carrying the water . . .
*sam•sa•ra (səmˈsɑr
ə)
1. (in
Buddhism) the process of coming into existence as a differentiated, mortal
creature.
2. (in
Hinduism) the endless series of births, deaths, and rebirths to which all
beings are subject.
[1885–90;
< Skt samsāra literally, running together]
