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Thursday, May 1, 2014

The Birth of Fear: April 17, 1961

 
 
 
 

On April 17, 1961 the invasion of The Bay of Pigs1 was launched.  This was the beginning of a deep fear in me.  I was almost eleven years old and just starting to have a world view concept.  This was the beginning of feeling there was no ‘safe place’ on the entire earth.  This was the beginning of a fear which was to grow over the years and drive much of my life.  My parents, my friend’s parents and my neighbors were all glued to the TV sets as they and the commentators were verbalizing their fears and concerns.  The TV commentators were giving update after update each one more dire than the one previous.

In 1963 I was in the 7th grade at El Segundo Junior High School on the west coast of California.  I remember walking from west to east across the lunch court.  The court was empty and I was walking between classes while ruminating on the recent news on the television about people building fallout shelters in the home and those without access to fallout shelters being taught (again) in the schools about ‘drop and cover’ techniques. We did practice ‘drop and cover’ in school.  We all pretty much knew that the drop and cover would not save us from a nuclear attack (which we believed was imminent).  My parents felt that building a shelter was foolish as who would want to live in a world after The Bomb.  I remember stopping and looking around the empty court wondering, ‘where can I go to be safe?’ I certainly knew that under any of these tables there was no safety to be found even though that is what I was being taught to do.  I did believe that there must be a safe place to go and I was determined to find that place.

In more recent years, added to the threat of us destroying one another thru wars came in rumblings from The Mother Earth herself.  We had so abused her it was becoming necessary for her to begin making adjustments to obtain balance / homeostasis.  Earthquakes, Tornados, Hurricanes and other events were on the increase.  Climate change was now a recognized and accepted reality.  Related to the North American continent the Native Americans who describe this land as Turtle Island tell us that as predicted long ago by the grammas’ and grampas’:  the turtle is beginning to go back under the water – the shore lines are no longer safe.  For this reason many are choosing to move away from shore lines: some a few miles and others thousands of miles.  Perhaps there is more safety as the turtle goes under to be on the top middle of the turtle's back; however major bomb silos are also housed in the middle of her back. (Just because it is a bit safer from the raging of The Mother Kali along the coast does not mean it is really safe anywhere.) 

 

 
 
Ultimately – there is no place which promises physical safety.  Coming to understand this has not been so much a giving up of hope as a releasing of fear.   The only place any of us can truly live is RIGHT HERE and RIGHT THIS MOMENT.  This is not to say I do not make plans for creating a safe environment – I do.       
The primary priority now is creating and being peaceful on the inner landscape of my thoughts and feelings.  Perhaps this is a luxury which comes with age.  I hold little hope for a peaceful world for the humans and others over the next 100 or 300 years, as we continue to conduct ourselves overall in a barbaric and selfish manner.  I do believe some will survive and that 1,000 years from now we may indeed return to the garden. 

 
 
 
 

1.       Link to public history of the Bay of Pigs from the JFK Library  http://www.jfklibrary.org/JFK/JFK-in-History/The-Bay-of-Pigs.aspx   

Monday, April 28, 2014

Second Verse Same as The First




At the ripe old age of 28 when most are still jumping into this life, I was considering, ‘what is this earth life – do I want to continue in this life?’  The pain (not personal but rather that pain which pervades earth life) was excruciating.  I actually spent time with a counselor trying to sort out my feelings related to not being in the earth life versus being in this earth life.  I was not afraid of dying and I was not suicidal – I just saw the impermanent nature of this earth life wherein everything changes and questioned – ‘do I want to fully be born into this life?’  I felt like I was in a cocoon and not fully born.  I watched and heard others speak and act out ‘life’ and knew my experience was very different.   Ultimately I decided to ‘take the curriculum’ – I convinced myself it was a virtue to see what it was like to be a human who is doing, feeling and being.

•**•

I still question if I made the correct choice.

•**•

We are told by some there are no wrong choices and it is all a part of the journey.  On one hand this may be true.  I wanted to know what it was like to be in this earth fully.  Now I know.  I am thinking if I had not made some of the choices that more fully brought me into the earth, I might still have the seed desires which led me to choose what I saw as ‘taking the curriculum’  pulling at me until fulfilled  - and so I might not be any better off by abstinence.  On the other hand, I am pretty sure I have created new or deepened the previous samsara* tracts thru my choices. 

Now after countless years, tears and yes fears – I see all that I gave up to travel the path of this earth life – yet – clearly I had DESIRE and I followed that desire and took the journey both inner and outer across The Turtle Island. 

Would I have had the discrimination at 28 to consciously choose another pathway?  I think not.  Now at 64 I am just beginning to scratch the surface of creating discrimination in my choices rather than following desire where it led. All those years ago I sought to convince myself that desire is synonymous with needed curriculum.  It was popular at that time to say: this earth is a schoolroom - take the lessons.  My error was believing that chasing desire was taking the lesson. 

Perhaps next time the issue comes up there will also be discrimination coupled with perseverance to make choices which bring goodness to my life and the lives of others.  My prayer at this time is to live long enough to clear out the newly created and perhaps previous life karma still tagging along.  This one is grateful for each day which brings new opportunity to turn yet more fully to The Light.   

Chopping wood . . .

Carrying the water . . .


 


*sam•sa•ra  (səmˈsɑr ə) 
 1.  (in Buddhism) the process of coming into existence as a differentiated, mortal creature.
 2.  (in Hinduism) the endless series of births, deaths, and rebirths to which all beings are subject.
[1885–90; < Skt samsāra literally, running together]

 

Monday, April 21, 2014

°˚°★*˚°。°*° CHANGE *★ °˚°★*˚°。°* ★ The One Constant in this Earth Life

The one constant in this EARTH LIFE is change.  You can be sure that nothing will stay the same.  Flowers will come and go with the seasons.  Even the rose bush who grows dormant for the Winter before returning in the spring - she will eventually go from the earth - die.  Anything that is born on The Mother also dies - eventually. 

I have been reminiscing on when I left the RoseBud Reservation last August 2013.  As much as I was looking forward to being with family of the heart and blood in California, I was also leaving family of the heart on The RoseBud. 

°˚°*˚°°*°**˚°CHANGES °˚°*˚°°*°**˚°


A few days before I left the reservation as I was packing up my trailer for the big move west a bird flew into my home.  It was early evening when there were still a few hours of sun light left. The sky was not yet changing to the reds and oranges of setting sun but was still carrying varying tones of blue.  It was a beautiful and peaceful time of early evening.  She was a beautiful, young and healthy bird.  She had an inverted V tail.  There were no distinctive male colors; rather she had the muted and protective colors of the female.  She did not call out.  She did not become frantic.  She flew into the house thru the garage and into the kitchen and then into the living room.  She made eye contact with me as she flew towards me.  I saw no fear in her demeanor.  Lady Bird was coming as a gift.  After she had flown around the house for a bit she flew back into the garage thru the connecting doors and roosted in the rafters.  I left the garage door to outside open for her but she seemed happy in the garage though the light was still shining thru the door to the outside and she knew how to leave if she chose.

In the morning when I woke she had gone.  Flown away and now it was time for me to fly away.  When I had left Florida a few years back, members of the dragonfly nation had come in a similar way to say ‘time to fly’.  Now Lady Bird had done the same. 

My life has been and continues to be full to overflowing with Love from Both Creator and Creation, full to overflowing with beginnings and endings.  All the seasons move within me.  Spring gives me new beginnings and renewals.  Summer gives the fullness and richness of youthful seeking to be.  Fall brings a riot of colors and reminiscences.  Then comes Winter, a time to move inside to that place beyond Creation.  The seasons interchange – come and go – within the Universe of my consciousness in much the same way the season changes and moves over the face of The Earth.  A peace can come – an assurance; being at-one with the changing seasons of my soul juxtaposed to the seasons of The Earth. 

Wednesday, July 31, 2013

thinking about the concept of DESERVING ...

 
 
********
Yesterday at a local gas station a man respectful - smelling of alcohol - came up to me and asked me for money.  He called me gramma/Unci (I am pretty sure he called me this just to 'soften' me up).  I told him I would not give him money but I would get him a cup of coffee - which I did.  After I did this, a young man about 30 years younger than me who worked at the gas station came out of the gas station store and called out to me.  He called me little girl/Wincicila (I am pretty sure he did this to wound me).  When I turned, he told me I was foolish and that this man was a drunk and did not deserve (his word - 'deserve') the coffee. he then pointed to another man who was talking with another patron of the gas station and suggested I should have helped this one as his family had fallen on hard times. 
 
I did not know - Grandfather/Tunkasila was working at this local gas station in the form of a young man  and deciding who deserved compassion.  The truth is - if the 'deserving' man had approached me, I would have given him a cup of coffee also. 
 
Every one - every one - has the spark of Creator and Creation inside of them - I do not have the wisdom to know who deserves compassion so it is just my intention to give compassionate care to all . . . . . .

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Writing About ANGER ... ... ... ... ... or... ... ... ... ... ... Something Else Completely


 
Anger so easily wells up in me.  I have so far to go to be in that balanced place of PEACE and LOVE.  Feeling anger  as it starts to build in my belly, I simultaneously see ego there trying to maintain control and power, trying to prevent humiliation (thru loss of power and control).  Thank you to all the good teachers who have shown thru examples both good (being peace) and bad (caught in ego).

Making many promises of doing good, doing what is right and being a warrior for positive change in The Earth.  My Teacher looking at me with calm compassion, dismissing my promises said “Don’t get angry anymore.”  I have not kept any of my grandiose promises.  I have tried and tried and tried to not get angry anymore and still the worst enemy I fight is anger.  Angry with oh so many of the outside factors pressing in on me, it is the inside issue of anger coming back again and again which at this point leaves me feeling devastated. 

Having spent 63 summers in The Earth, I feel like a complete failure.  The one thing the teacher has asked of me, the one thing The Teacher requests and I fail repeatedly.

There is a part of me seeking to bring long vision and logic in.  I tell self: this feeling of worthlessness and failure will pass.  As you all know, when in the middle of that feeling, that is all there is for us.  There is no apparent ‘light at the end of the tunnel.’ 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

“Don’t get angry anymore.” 

When The Teacher requested this of me, I thought.  That is easy.  If that is all you want, consider it done.  Then, for a day it was easy.   Now three years later, it is clearly not so easy.  Wanting to run away and hide from what is predominating.  Not to get away from what makes me angry.  Wanting to get away from me as this whole mellow-drama of the LIFE OF ME is boring and selfish beyond ability to measure.

There is no way out of this dilemma except to walk thru the fire.  Do the work and stop getting angry. 

Time to change the focus from Poor Pitiful Me to the place it has belonged all along Taking Care of The People.  There is no person who has been or will be on The Earth who is not suffering. 

So I am dealing with anger.  So what.  Join the club. 

Time to just do the work that is given to me to do.

Interesting . .  Had thought the topic was going to be anger, but it ends up being selfishness.  Without selfishness there would be no anger.  The selfish nature feeds many painful feelings including anger. 

 

 


*¨`*✶♪  ¸.Ϡ₡ ... *¨`*  ✶♪.¸¸.  Ϡ₡ ...   *¨`*✶♪  ¸.Ϡ₡

"God feels no anger, no matter how many times we err.

He is the Fountainhead of limitless, unconditional love."

--From the book "Moments of Truth" by Paramahansa Yogananda

*¨`*✶♪ ¸.Ϡ₡ ... *¨`*  ✶♪.¸¸.  Ϡ₡ ...   *¨`*✶♪  ¸.Ϡ₡
 
a video to consider listening to
Put a Little Love in Your Heart
 
 

Friday, April 12, 2013

About My Empolyer and My Work ...





Just to clear up any confusion: I have never worked for SJRMC, SCH or now IHS. I have and will always consider myself as one who works for the people.  I have however worked through SJRMC, SCH and now IHS.  Do you see the difference? 

 The fact that I am a given the title 'nurse' is also near inconsequential in the scheme of things over a lifetime.  Any work we do which sits with ahimsa* is with proper focus a work for the people and is then a healing work.  To offer someone a cup of coffee while you work at Starbucks has the potential to be every bit as healing as nursing at a bedside or collecting the trash from a curb or holding a little one on your lap and reading them a story.   It is the attitude held while doing the work.  To offer a cup of water with anger in your heart is harmful.  To offer a cup of water with good intention is healing. 

Yes, it is good to gain an education, if it is going to help you serve the people in the way most suited to your temperament and the needs of the people.  Remember, you are an important part of 'the people' and if the learning feeds your heart this is also a good thing.  However education alone can be like an empty plate put before a hungry man.  The plate may be beautiful, expensive and well made, however, it is not worth anything in the moment when the starving person looks at it craving something to fill the empty belly.

There have been many times when I have looked in the mirror and not liked the person looking back.  This signals the need for change.  This being human and humane is not easy.  It is sometimes difficult to face myself there is so much shame.  I am thinking you have felt the same.  You may even choose to not see yourself related to the shame and knowing that once you see you have no excuse to not act and make positive change.
*****
Look in the mirror.
 
Who do you see looking back when you look into the eyes?
 
 
*****
 
 
 
*more on AHIMSA can be found in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda.  
Chapter 44 discusses Yogananda's meeting with Mahatma Gandhi and a discussion on ahimsa. 
This book and this chapter is a good read.  enjoy..
 


Wednesday, March 20, 2013

DOGMA





“They came with a bible and their religion, stole our land,

crushed our spirit and now they tell us

we should be thankful to the lord for being saved.”

-Pontiac  (1718-1769)

DOGMA is a human created concept or interpretation of the Creator's intention.  Much harm has been done by those who think they know 'the will', the intention of Creator and believe it to be their purpose to ‘share the good news’ or impose it on others.  My heart opens to the one who carries The Christ Medicine.  Sadly many who have come claiming to be his people have done great harm.  Since before recorded history there have been religions seeking to control how we think and feel.  What happened to the indigenous people of Turtle Island has happened many times before wherein outsiders come in claiming they must no longer follow the ways they presently believe but accept the usurpers belief system.  It is not just those who carry the bible who have done and continue to harm. Many dogmatic religions have sought to impose their constructs on others.  Please do not misunderstand my intent.  People of like mind gathering together to become at-one (atoned) to Creator is a wonderful thing.  It is when they thump their bible or their Koran or other ‘good book’ and tell the people they MUST follow their particular way to God to be saved from suffering that dogma slips his greasy head into the picture.

I was fortunate to have a father who never dictated what I was to believe or the path I was to follow.  At the same time, Dad and I often had lively discussions of philosophies, concepts and constructs related to potential pathways to the Heart Center of Creator and Creation.  This is the way I have sought to help my daughters to find their own personal pathway.  This is the way I intend to be there for my grandchildren as they find their way through life.  This opening of the heart and nurturing of the intuition to KNOW TRUTH on a personal level is in my construct (cannot speak for others) a powerful pathway to the center of Creator / LOVE. 

When someone says ‘I believe’ this is truth or ‘I believe’ this is the way God wants me to live, this is not a bad thing.  It is a good start point in our walk through life.  When a child is little, the mom may say, “Do not touch the hot stove.  It will burn you.”  The child may ‘believe’ what the mother says is true even though she does not ‘know’ this is true.  This believing the words of the Mother saves the little one from harm.  However, there comes a point in life, whether by intent or circumstance, the little one comes to “know” through personal experience: this is hot.  This will burn you.  This is what a burn does to you. The child has moved from believing to knowing.  

When I was little, I had a book of bible stories with many bright paintings on the pages.  The one that fascinated me more than any other was a painting of “God” sitting on a throne in the clouds above the Earth.  The God in this painting was a massive human male, dwarfing the Earth.   I pondered this picture over and over for a period of time in my life. I do remember I was in elementary school.  I was probably about 8 to 12 years old at the time, I do not remember my exact age or the length of time involved but I certainly went to this painting over and over and over.    In my child’s mind I was pondering the size of God.  At some point, I came to the conclusion that this painting could not be an accurate rendition of God, as God was much too huge to be depicted in a painting.  I also came to the conclusion that even the human form may be incorrect.  I did not know if a ‘form’ could even contain this power I called ‘God’.   This event in my personal experience depicts for me the very beginning of transitioning from belief to knowing at the core of my being. I was coming to know a personal truth versus a taught dogma.

With caution I must note that what I “KNOW” changes from day to day as the experiences of life continue to mold and change me.  I am reminded of the words of the Great Mahatma:

“I am not at all concerned with appearing to be consistent.

In my pursuit after Truth I have discarded many ideas

and learnt many new things.”  

-Gandhi (1869 - 1948)

When we feel joy in our relationship with Creator and Creation it is natural to want to expand that joy through sharing that joy with others.  It is perhaps even commendable that we wish others to also feel the expansive joy of relationship with LOVE that we possess.  It is however a cautious balance we must seek.  We must be careful to not stand in the way of freewill.  Those who know me, know that I will often follow a statement related to my concept of truth with …. “This is the world according to Cretia and may have nothing to do with your reality.”  I mean these words sincerely.  It is not my place to impose on you beliefs of HOW THINGS ARE.  Perhaps I add a bit more spice to the soup of your consciousness.  I certainly know you do this for me and I thank you for this addition of spice to my consciousness soup. 

Much Love . . . .

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