DIRECTION

DIRECTION

The direction of the day is NORTH. The color of the day is RED. Time to look inside and see. Driving in a red car on roads that are literally red related to the clay on the roads.

i had a dream last night i was with one of my sisters, Patticake. We were laughing our heads off til tears came to our eyes. . . or maybe we were crying just as hard with sorrow. Either way, the salty tears reminiscent of the amniotic waters flowed.

Birthing

Waters breaking

Breathing

The beauty of this life . .

breathing it in

It brings me to my knees

Life pulses in and through

Forever.

How are we to survive this exquisite sensation:

Being born . . . over . . . and over . . . and over . . .

The only thing we can do is dance

TRAVEL PLANS

i was always MAKING PLANS . . . this is how i lived most of my life ........ with lists and plans stretching years and years in advance and now, to the query: WHERE ARE YOU GOING? The answer is:

i am not sure

or

where the winds of the four directions and the little whirlwind takes me.

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The best laid schemes of Mice and Men

oft go awry,

And leave us nothing but grief and pain,

For promised joy.

- - - Robert Burns - - -

Salt Water -

Amniotic fluid of Mother Earth

In two weeks i am out of Florida. You might think i am being chased out by the oil spill in the Gulf of Mexico and the true disaster that is still impending as a result , however my plans to leave were made long before the BP oil fiasco. First conscious plans to leave florida occurred in 2005. However, in 2005, i was not willing to do what needed to be done to get moving. Now i have chosen to give away, throw away and sell anything i could not fit into a little 10 x 10 storage space.

It is not that i am looking for a SAFE PLACE. There may not be any place safe from the selfish motives of the two-leggeds. (i do not let myself off the hook here. Part of what is driving me at this time is seeking to move away from my own selfishness.) Actually, i think i am moving away from safety in the traditional sense. After a life time of seeking safety, this is no longer my prime focus.

I had thought that Florida with it's shifting sands was a place with no solid ground for me. That is true. But it may also be that by the very nature of this unfolding and transformation, the shifting sands will be where i am, no matter the physical location. So, we are back to homeostasis. The theme of this period. Homeostasis, the moving and ever shifting balance. Homeostasis, never the same, always changing.

The homeostasis of the Gulf of Mexico and the land masses surrounding her are in grave danger. Say prayers. Pray hard. The Mother is suffering. The salt water is the amniotic fluid of the Mother Earth and it is being filled with substances never meant to mix with water. Without healthy amniotic fluid The Mother will not be able to bring forth new life.

Start now, breathing in the suffering and breathing in the beauty. It is all there. Return the suffering transformed to love. Return the beauty unadultered and perfect. Be the conduit - be the hollow bone. Let your breath be your prayer. It is that simple. It is not big words or long sentences that make the prayer. The prayer is our life and our life runs on the breath.

I can not even come up with a title for this one

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After a life time of BELIEVING. Dropping belief. No longer believe that there is any solid ground under my feet. No longer believe there will ever be a way to get solid ground under my feet. No longer believe there is even such a thing as solid ground. Homeostasis is the foundation. Homeostasis is a dance. Reason is illusion. Security is a made up word. This one has given up on making sense out of the chaos.

A great and ancient stone knife is cutting through the middle of all things - cutting through the midde of the one doing this writing. Digging and looking - but not seeing anything. In utter darkness and blinding light.

Living in two worlds and now neither one makes sense. Living between the two realities is tearing apart EVERYTHING. No longer having any desire to hold IT together. No longer looking for life to make sense. Running screaming naked and exposed. There is not even a man behind the curtain to blame IT on.

How have those who have come before survived this great and awe-ful tearing apart? This has no reference point.

The scam perpetrated on all of us is tremendous.

Don't follow me, i don't know where i am going. I do know there is tremendous power here but it is all chaotic. I am dangerous. Look out.

i am not manic. i am not depressed. i am not delusional. i am crazy. i am peaceful. i am ordinary.

Maybe i will wake up tomorrow in suberbia in a lounge chair with an umbrella drink in my hand. Maybe but i doubt it.

Great hooves thundering across the plains. The whole earth is shaking now. They are coming.

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Don't be afraid to cry.

It will free your mind of sorrowful thoughts.

-attributed to the Hopi

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Our first teacher is our own heart.

-attributed to the Cheyenne

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You can't wake a person

who is pretending to sleep.

-attributed to the Dine'

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When a man moves away from nature

his heart becomes hard.

-attributed to the Lakota

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STILL BREATHING

So that is something. i am Still Breathing.

I disagree with Maslow' Hierarchy of needs related to HOMEOSTASIS.

Homeostasis should be simultaneously on the bottom (physiological) and the top (self actualization).

Maybe more on this later. Maybe not.

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"The first peace, which is the most important is

that which comes within the souls of people

when they realize their relationship,

their oneness with the universe and all its powers

and when they realize that at the center of the universe

dwells Wakan Tanka

and this center is really everywhere,

it is within each of us."

Black Elk

LONELINESS vs SOLITUDE

Why is this being human so very lonely sometimes? Even when surrounded by loving friends and family it can be so lonely. Conversely being alone in the woods can be peaceful and comforting - in a place of at-one-ment (atonement) with life. Clearly external circumstances alone do NOT dictate loneliness vs solitude.

Two of my daughters recently had babies. I spent time with them, attending the births and being with the new families as they got started. It was a time rich and full. It was a time of connection when loneliness was not a concern.

I then spent time with my daughter in Oregon who has a one year old. This also was a time of fullness when there was no loneliness.

Soon after the time with the daughters, i did spend time alone in the woods. Though this time was difficult in many ways, it was not a time of loneliness. It was a protected space rich and full of life. Clearly there is more to this loneliness vs solitude than proximity to other people.

I love my daughters and the heart overflows when i think of them. Being seperated from them and now from the little grandbabies is so painful. Now i feel lonely. Now my heart aches to a level that it is excrusciating. It is easy to think that the loneliness comes from being seperated from the daughters and the grandbabies. However, i am not sure that this is the case. That is to say, i am not sure if the source of the lonliness is seperation from my beloved family. Perhaps the true source of lonliness is selfishness coming from me. Let me explain.

When i was with the family my focus was on them. The intention to be there for them and to help them was paramount. Now, the focus has returned to Me, Myself and I. Perhaps the lonliness is a by-product of self absorbtion. When alone out in the woods, again the focus was not on the self. It was a time of prayer - occasionally for self and most often for others. There was no lonliness when the focus was NOT on self.

WHAT IS TO BE DONE - - - Sitting with this deep loneliness i feel now and not trying to FIX it - Not judging this loneliness as good or bad - seeking to not manipulate my daughters and make them feel responsible for my loneliness - seeking to not endlessly distract myself from this place of lonliness by going endlessly to the movies or out to eat or talking on the phone with friend after friend after friend. The restlessness starts to slow down as i just sit and observe.

This loneliness is all part of being fully human. Being in solitude is also all part of being fully human. One is not better than the other. Though solitude is certainly more comfortable than lonliness. However if we are choosing the journey of awakening - it is not all about comfort.

Escaping loneliness through distraction will never bring lasting satisfaction. Loneliness will always return. Oh well, it is time to accept who i am and who you are. We are human beings who are sometimes more or less lonely. There is nothing wrong with us. There is nothing to fix. We can allow ourselves to just be in the middle of this life which contains these components. Sometimes we are lonely and sometimes we are in peaceful solitude. One is not better than the other.

So ... ... ...

The monotomy and solitude of the quiet life stimulates the creative mind.

Albert Einstein

Language has created the word loneliness to express the pain of being alone and the word solitude to express the glory of being alone.

Paul Tillich

The good and the wise lead quiet lives.

Euripides

Solitude is the price of greatness

Paramahansa Yogananda

HOUSE-LESS

House sold. 40,000 under mortgage was the offer. Bank accepted in 14 days. I was told the banks often takes a year or two to accept an offer. i will be homeless before the end of May 2010. No plans on where to go or where to live. It does not bode well for the economy that the bank agreed without a fight. Perhaps this one being with little to no income and high overhead had something to do with their choice.

Almost in freefall.

I have no regrets for the choices i have made. i have followed my heart and looked to have good intention along the way.

A Taurus without firm ground underfoot - now that is an unusual bull. I hear the ground rumbling with the running hooves of my brothers and sisters. I also hear the ground rumbling with earthquakes, hurricanes and tornados. Perhaps there are others who sense, feel, see and know: the time for change is here.

For this one it is Yumni - the little whirlwind - dancing and playing as though the coming change were just a little thing. Asking me to come and play with destruction and creation.

Will i survive the change? "Do not ask such foolish questions", Yumni tells me.

DANCE WITH ME